A familiar chill has been is in the air- A tell tale sign of the seasons shifting. Thick and wintry as it holds the satisfying smell of car exhaust, triggering an astral projection of sorts, into the painful, longing for you that sits dormant in my skin.

Missing you hits harder during these months as the rest of the world blows through the holidays like consumerist gluttons. It’s about to be your season and they’re already talking about Christmas when it’s not even Halloween. Deep down it’s my anger. How dare they rush these months that you’d give anything to have one last time.. How Id give anything to watch my kids run to you on a Christmas morning and for them to feel the unconditional love in your arms. Lord knows id give anything to feel it myself. That feeling of being unconditionally loved began and ended with you, for me.

I think I’ve mourned every memory so hard for the last 18 years that now my daydreams have transitioned from dwelling on the past, to creating new memories with you in my head. Taking you with me everywhere I go like an imaginary friend.

Early mornings, I wake up before the rest to have my coffee on the porch. I imagine you’re enjoying a cup too, in your curlers and robe, and we talk about the nuances of the day. I wonder about things I didn’t know at sixteen. Like if I made pancakes for breakfast today, would you have eaten them? Or did you really just prefer your simple cereal and banana that you always ate? Would we have ended up living together like we always were scheming? Would you still work 3 jobs and get your hair done by Tulio? Lost in thought, silently saying the rosary as we drove in the car? I still remember how you held the wheel with both hands and let me sit in the front with no seatbelt. Would I drive you around town now? Would we walk through Westfield to get stamps at the post office, and have a glass of wine on the beach? I wonder who I would have become had I still had your unwavering support… Instead of this crumbled mess I turn into several times a day.

Wish I could repay you endlessly for all the times you were my backbone. Treat you to a day in the city. Victorian pins in your hair and a long fur coat, your Hollywood grace was other-worldly. Can’t sit on a beach or in a church without collecting every palm or hearing you in every psalm. Now I wear your jacket and keep your CDs in my car. You live within me while I try my best to live for you. I think about all the things that have changed in the world and how you’d experience them for the first time. Like an iPhone, or a car with bluetooth and a back up camera. Crazy to think how you were gone by the time any of these things came to be. Would you have a Facebook? Hah – The thought of that sends me straight to tears wishing I could show you the ancestry photos I found of your favorite uncle and your grandma on the Internet. The world is a completely different place than you left it. In every single way. My childhood and innocence left with you.

I watched you fill everyone’s cup but no one was pouring into yours. Navigating this life alone. You deserved so much yet were drained from all ends and had the worries of the world all over your face. And while I don’t know the women who came before you, I fear your daughters and their daughters and our daughters are destined for the same fate. Bleed themselves dry and then fade away. Haunting each other over cups of coffee.