…magic tricks

“…take a lover who looks at you like maybe you are magic…”

I see this Tumbling all over the internet quite frequently, but I’m almost certain of three things. 1) It was not said by Frida Kahlo, 2) its only a snippet of a full sentence in an actual poem, and 3) it’s completely taken out of context than how its original version intended.

Regardless, in the Tumblr version, its a cute little quote that send the heart aflutter…

But is it realistic?

I cant tell you how many of my “lovers” have looked at me like I am “magic.” Have TOLD me that I am. They’ve told me that I make THEM feel like magic.

One thing the quote fails to mention, is that feeling never lasts.

In this day & age, everyone wants ONLY the “magical” parts. They only want the “rewards”, not the effort or responsibility…or the commitment, or the accountability.

I think about how many times I’ve been told that there is no one like me. Told “I don’t know what it is but I have just never felt the way I feel when I’m with you…” Told that I am different, that “no girl” has EVERRR “made me want to be a better man”, “made me want to settle down”… I’ve been told that my touch, my eyes, my walk, my skin, my heart, my soul, my kiss, my passion, my loyalty, my love, my motherhood, my spontaneity, my smile, my sex, my perspective, my writing, my thoughtfulness….”unlike anything else”… “magical”…. that our connection feels “cosmic”, “kindred”, all of my lovers have used the word “soulmate”… have asked me to marry them, gave me rings…

It’s only when they realize I am not a unicorn that their praises change. They seem to want all of the good things and ONLY the good things, nothing else.

When they see that I “expect things”, like honesty, faithfulness..that is when I cease to be “magic.” When I want to see things like ambition, and effort.. I’m a “nag.” When I show an ounce of uncertainty or caution, I’m no longer “spontaneous” or fun. When I strongly appose their partying lifestyle or excessive drug use, I’m controlling (AND no fun). When I don’t believe that talking to their ex at the bar for two hours or being her occasional “spotter” at the gym is appropriate, I’m just “insecure.” When I stop picking up after them around the house and cooking their dinner because for two weekends in a row they didn’t come home at night, now I’m a “lazy.”

And God forbid I show anger or frustration, God forbid their own actions result in MY loss of confidence or trust, and I DARE express that— now I’m “crazy”, “too sensitive”… an erratic and emotional woman! Must be because I’m bleeding this week…prep my temples for some shock therapy….

Men want everything from you until you want *something* from them (something other than sex)…then they’re like “…oh, she expects me to DO things in order to keep receiving things? uhhh” …& they question if you’re even worth it at all…question your “magic”…

I feel a lot of women (maybe men) can relate. (And I am not the President of the She Woman-Man Haters Club, but I AM speaking from my experience as a straight woman who dates men.)

“…take a lover who looks at you like maybe you are magic…”

I am not perfect, but I KNOW I am magic. I’ve always felt it…

I feel it in the connections I make with people, the WAY I can connect with them. I don’t have to have lead similar lives or have similar interests to see and feel and understand and empathize with another living being.

Strangers–man, I am a notorious “stranger magnet.” I am the friend who goes to a bar for girl’s night and involuntarily ends up hearing a two hour story from Tony, the bar regular, about how he comes here and orders the pot pie because his late wife used to love it, and how they’ve traveled to Belfast and Rome, and how he has five grandkids that live in different states so he doesn’t get to see them. I am the girl who works at a coffee shop out of high school, and one day an intoxicated woman comes in lugging about 3 suitcases asking to use the phone. I oblige against my manager’s wishes, and soon realize shes stranded. I give her free coffee. Three hours later, I’ve heard about her life and cheating husband and how he took everything she had, and how she came to be stranded at my coffee shop in my town, states away from her own. True or not, who knows? I did what I could to help her find hotels to stay in, and gave her my tip money from that day. I am the girl who could be in a store doing some shopping of my own, and people come up to me for help. “Uh, no-I don’t work at Walmart…buuuut the glassware is in isle 14…” I also have resting bitch face so I’m not quite sure why I am even approachable… but nevertheless, I always have been able to connect with complete strangers on deeper levels.

In relationships, its been no different. I am a listener. My name MEANS “listener”. I have had 5 relationships after high school, you wouldn’t believe some of the things these men have confided in me. And I’m not an asshat so I wont blast those secrets either, but it’s been some HEAVY shit. Heavy. Things they’ve never and could never tell anyone else without rejection, judgement, embarrassment—but they can tell me.. and they know they can. And they did. Because they can feel and trust in my energy, my magic.

Nevertheless, even though they are the biggest users, the ones double dipping into the pot… they will be the first to deny that your magic exists. They want to feed off of it, use it all up, but also convince you that you never had it to begin with. The very magic they try to deny, is the same thing they come calling for later… months later, a year later…ten years later… reaching out because nothing compares…they want the taste again.

“…take a lover who looks at you like maybe you are magic…”

Or take one who knows that you are. Or take none. Or just know, for yourself, that even when a lover dismisses your magic, or tells you there isn’t any, don’t believe them. Nobody is perfect. There are no unicorns. Your flaws do not take away from your magic. Sticking up for yourself, or wanting your voice heard, doesn’t make you any less magical. Having “off” days, mood swings, changes of heart, difference in opinions, does not take away from your magic either, so don’t accept that as fact when someone tries to make you feel it is true. When you know you’ve wasted your magic on a lover, know enough to stop, replenish, and save whats left for someone who deserves it, some THING who deserves it. “..its not enough to leave, you must stay gone..” Shut your heart to them, change the locks. Learn that your “magic” doesn’t begin and end in the arms of a man, in the eyes of a lover. Share your gifts with those who appreciate them.  Your family, a child, girl friends… You’d be surprised how a stranger wandering into a coffee shop could value your light more than someone you’ve known for years.

And here is the full poem for your reference.

Frida Kahlo to Marty McConnell
by Marty McConnell

leaving is not enough; you must
stay gone. train your heart
like a dog. change the locks
even on the house he’s never
visited. you lucky, lucky girl.
you have an apartment
just your size. a bathtub
full of tea. a heart the size
of Arizona, but not nearly
so arid. don’t wish away
your cracked past, your
crooked toes, your problems
are papier mache puppets
you made or bought because the vendor
at the market was so compelling you just
had to have them. you had to have him.
and you did. and now you pull down
the bridge between your houses.
you make him call before
he visits. you take a lover
for granted, you take
a lover who looks at you
like maybe you are magic. make
the first bottle you consume
in this place a relic. place it
on whatever altar you fashion
with a knife and five cranberries.
don’t lose too much weight.
stupid girls are always trying
to disappear as revenge. and you
are not stupid. you loved a man
with more hands than a parade
of beggars, and here you stand. heart
like a four-poster bed. heart like a canvas.
heart leaking something so strong
they can smell it in the street.


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