most of this probably wont make sense
but i have to write it as its my only release at the moment
i am so disgusted
i feel like carving my skin right off my body
in every place youve ever touched me
which is everywhere
inside and outside
my heart too
rip it to shreds till theres nothing left
i dont want it in my body anymore
i dont want any trace of you in my body
on my skin
you were my one last hope
for realness and truth
i begged you for it
pleaded with my heart wide open
with all my baggage and all my truth and all my darkness and doubts
and you crawled right in
excuse me, slithered in
with promises that were empty
and such blatant blatant lies
and i gobbled you up because all i wanted to do was love you and believe in love for real
one last time
buy my god, you were the worst
you were the worst because all the rest were assholes upfront, you pretended not to be
god you were such a good pretender too
and everyone around you ALSO pretended for you… lied to me for you….lied to cover up how you actually are… what you actually do…
i thought you knew what it felt like to be betrayed?
you told me from the beginning that you were always the one getting hurt in relationships, that you had just been cheated on so so badly and had trust issues so bad.
i did too
but i knew id never do that to you, so the trust issues didnt scare me,
i knew my love could heal you…
and i had trust issues too, and you promised to heal them too…
a Devil’s promise
because as you held me in your arms and kissed me goodbye that morning… the very minutes after we parted, you were doing your dirt…
and it continued…and i felt it, and id ask, and youd lie… and it continued… and id FEEL IT, and id confront you, and youd LIE….. AND IT WOULD CONTINUE….
no matter how many nights we spent together, no matter how much i poured my entire fucking soul into you…
you still touched me with dirty hands..
inside my body telling me you cant wait for me to have your kids…
baiting me with fantasies about all we could do for the kids we already have…
but deep down you knew what you were doing behind my back
and i sensed it, i really did. and id bring it up and get told im crazy… “looking for a fight”… god isnt that the go-to excuse for all master manipulators?
and id fight! but somehow your manipulations worked!
god i was so scared to do ANYTHING to mess this relationship up that i just made the excuses in my head FOR you!
i convinced MYSELF that i WAS just crazy… “these are just my trust issues”, “dont make him pay for my past”, “maybe im getting my period”…
but i was right
you were lying…
the entire time…
fuck, i knew it– I FELT IT.
why do i deny my fucking intuition?? WHY does it take me so long to listen to it??
i feel diseased
i feel impure
i feel like people on the street can look at me and see that ive had a Devil inside me..
like im wearing a big red scarlet letter
letting everyone know that im tainted and used up..
that im just a shell with black tar sludging across my soul…
im not perfect, but how could you do this to me?… to ME?
see, even there, my pathetic self is still speaking to you as if “ME” holds any value in your eyes…
…you had me convinced that it did
…that you finally saw ME… the me i hid from the world and the me that ive been dying to show and BE but havent because of all my own demons holding me back…
i cant believe i was so blind.
but i tried.
one of my favorite quotes (not anymore) is:
“Have enough courage to trust love one more time and always one more time.”
you were my one more time…
but its all fallacy..
this wasn’t courage… this was STUPIDITY. this was being NAIVE, GULLIBLE
COURAGEOUS would have been me staying ALONE…
saying FUCK “love”…
its the EASY way out to jump into someones arms and blindly accept their lies and fantasies…
ignorance is bliss
but i cant live ignorantly… i refuse… its not in my blood.
id rather seek courage in being alone, and relying and trusting no one…