3.15

It’s been 13 years since you were taken from us.
Sudden, without any warning.
13 years and I have not recovered.
I can’t even write this without crying.
The very thought of the day you left this world, rips open a hole in my heart that never will be filled.
The hole actually never closes.
It’s like what going into shock does for a body experiencing immense physical pain..
the more pain the brain receives the more incapacitated it becomes,
and the more incapacitated it becomes,
the less its capable of perceiving the pain.
As time has passed I have still just been in this state of “shock.”
Days go by now where I… don’t always think of you,
I don’t always remember your voice, or the smell of your clothes…
or the way you walked, or your laugh, or the scarves you’d wear…
But the second something reminds me of you,
the second I stop and let myself remember,
all that pain rushes right back in, floods my heart and soul….
your timeless grace and beauty.
The fact that-in a few short years,
you will be gone from me longer than I even had you
destroys me
Everything you’ve missed out on, destroys me.
And the guilt is akin to the pain.
There are so many things you would be proud of
but there are SO many things you’d be disappointed in.
Our family has not stayed close,
traditions you killed yourself to maintain for us
have fallen second to “everyday life” and “being too busy.”
Thinking of it and allowing it all in
destroys me
the same way it did the moment I realized that I had gone on living an entire day,
not even knowing you had passed away that very morning.
I always thought I had more time
at 16
blissfully unaware…

RIP my angel ❤ 08/04/1938-03/15/2005

xSx ©

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s